splashes of color

g.r.a.c.e

2007-04-02T08:17:00.000-07:00

i came across this at the mrt..

"Nobody was ever honored for what he received.
Honor is the reward for what he gave."

And i thought about God.
And the honor and glory due Him.
Yet, we praised the the creation
Rather than the creator.
We chose to glorify the building
than the Builder.

Wretched worms are We.
hmm.. wretched worms.
hahax.

No one on earth deserve the offering that we bring
except the King.

2007-03-28T08:32:00.000-07:00

Politically Correct Little Red Riding Hood
- James Finn Garner from Politically Correct Bedtime Stories

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.

Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.

"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free."

But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical women's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community."

But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said,"Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged.""And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of these racist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly."Aren't you forgetting something?"

Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax."Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood.

"If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper.

"I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said, "Do you have any Maalox?"

I'm sure kevin will like this. ")

relationships

2007-03-27T09:03:00.000-07:00

was randomly reading blogs and i realised alot of people blog about relationships. ")
is it the season? hmm..

Anw, since we are on the topic of relationships (narrowed to the scoop of boy-girl r/s)..
here's a verse i like very much.

" Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. "

There is great meaning in this verse and its something i hold on dearly to, with regards to relationships.

Relationships are, well, not on my priority list. But apparently, it is for most people. (As seen and heard) Personally, i think i'm just not ready for one. of coz, there are alot of debates about this issue. "you will never be ready for a relationship", "you have to try before you know it" etc etc. are some of the statements i hear pretty often.

yah? yah.

hahax. but i'm just not ready and God knows.

I read something that is worthy to be commented.

1 Peter 3:3-5 --> "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. "

Proverbs 31:30 "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."

i was talking to a friend and he mentioned there are 3 Ps in any relationships, namely Physical, Personality and Purpose. More often than not, the first 2 will be factored into consideration before the latter. Well.. i guess, tats why the verse commented that charm can be deceptive and beauty fleeting. Inner is always much harder to fathom than what could be seen.

burdens?

2007-03-26T08:29:00.000-07:00

what are the burdens i am carrying now?

- ministries -

- cell group -

- family -

- faith issues-

- confusion-

Things that should be at the back of my mind,

are at the back of my mind

It saddens me to hear such things. Very much.

Even though i hv always been aware of it, it came as a surprise and shock to know that reality is such. Disappointment and disillusioned. But what can you expect from men? i don't mean men as in male species, but mankind.

The more i tink, the more i feel out of sorts.

It's time to unload and leave the burdens where they should be.

2007-03-22T08:40:00.000-07:00

i love what i'm doing everyday.
Work..is that wat it is called?
somehow it doesn't have the drudgery connection

i'm loving it.
i love the homely environment at the agency.
Though the place is not grand AT ALL
and unwanted visitors like mr roach dropped by the whole time
the place is filled with love, care and sweet fragance of worship.
recently my workplace was flooded due to heavy rain,
yet i cant find much to complain.
Deep within my heart, i'm so contented where i am.

This little agency
situated at this ulu street
in this small island..
hidden away from all fame and recognition

Yet, being a part of his plan
emptied to be a vessel for Him to reach out to the unloved,
to the forgotten, to the wounded and hurt
seeing how His love warmed them
brings much joy and love to my soul and heart
knowing how much He cares for each one of them
allows me to grasp the depth of His love for me too.

so, im loving every moment Lord.
With You, in You and through You.

cant believe it..

2007-03-21T09:38:00.000-07:00

This has been happening to me for the umpteen time. i had been logging in and blogging and logging out without finishing blogging. Don't ask me why..i simply cannot complete my thoughts. i guess i could attribute this to the lack of time. But then again.. its my own fault because i have got lousy time management. Oh well, there are seriously a zillion and one things i wanna share.. but the thought of having to type them all out is too overwhelming and i simply lose the motivation to do so.

i wanna share about
1. the post about how many complained about the nitty ritty things in their lives.
God actually threw something back to me the very next day through family meeting at work. Well..its a long story, shall share more the next time.

2. my blue-black toe..
its fat and ugly and it hurts like crazy. i went to the doc to get painkiller for it. yups.

3. jie-di relationships.
i happened to be thinking alot about it during a bus journey. Well, not just during the bus journey, but i chanced upon such relationships quite a fair bit lately and it got me thinking. About my own expectations and how it differs from many others.
- perhaps not today though- anytime ba

4. Worship
i really enjoy worshipping the Lord and resting. Lately, i realised the time i allocated for him seemed to be decreasing. To compensate for the hours i spent at work, i had unconsciously (or perhaps consciously) compromised on my quiet moments with my beloved. tsk tsk ah hui..

5. people i love
i grew to cherish my family members, esp my sister alot. seriously enjoyed conversing and sometimes jsut spending time with her. Learning to say "i love u" to my loved ones is something im practising. Hey..its seriously not taht easy kay! ")

6. weddings
i got alot of weddings to attend. im growing old..now its the era when my friends all start entering into a different phrase of their lives. Will my other whole be here soon? *ponders?* a random question..

hao ba..i shall blog more the next time. i wanna go rest.

2007-03-14T09:38:00.000-07:00

在你手中

我愿意將我全心交在你手中
毫無保留
毫無保留

我愿意將我全心交在你手中
毫無保留
毫無保留

生命中一全是你賜给於我
償賜於你收取在與你

也許乘渇望擁有
但你要我慢慢学习放手
在每一分鐘

現在我已頸不同
生命屬你不屬於我
旦愿成為你手中美好的工作

-A song that expresses that very desire of my heart-

2007-03-13T09:39:00.000-07:00

say hi to miss not-too-nice girl.
Today my mind is plagued with many random thoughts and some are really not affirming. But i just feel like saying, even if it might offend people. (So much for promoting cyber-wellness)

The journey home from office seemed like quite long. I felt like as i had stepped out from one world to another. The world of the youths i came across at work revolves around seemingly real life issues and differs vastly from mainstream teens. The kind of struggles they go through and have to overcome are much more realistic and overwhelming as compared to the normal trivial(if i may use the word) issues many deal with, despite them being in the same life stage. I know i shud not compare, but i really wanna say these, "pls grow up and stop whining about not getting As and Bs in exams." Life is more than study notes, presentations, As and Bs, pimples, mascara, boyfriend,girlfriends,handbags and soccer.

Sometimes i really cannot understand why would people kick up such a big fuss over the lack of pocket money when your parents provided EVERYTHING for you. Do u know what it means to skip lunch and dinner because your dad does not earn enough for everyone in the household? It happens, in real life.

Sometimes i really cannot understand why would people wept over their lack of As and A* or cry buckets because they did not get complete A1s for all their subjects. Hello.. pls grow up and snap out of it. Do you even know there are people out there who struggles much with studies, not because they lack intelligence but they cannot focus on their studies due to their family's difficult situations?

It bewilders me to see how some can whine and whine and whine and whine (yes..u get the idea) over something like "i cant seem to get a gf/bf?", "i wish my parents can be more understanding", "i wish my church would be more ....", "Why cant my parents let me club?" so on and so forth.

Okie.. i admit..i do whine sometimes. And it does feel good..

BUT i tink it really is superifical. Shouldn't life be deeper than all these? Shouldn't there be more meaning in life?

I was thinking about one of the girls i met. Her attitude was lousy and i really cannot stand her bo-cha-ness. But as i learnt about the kind of environment she is in, it broke my heart. Imagine living in a world of violence, a world without love and concern and care. What kind of world would that be?

sigh, say goodbye to superificality ms charissa. Pls grow up and stop whining about how life sucks when it doesn't really.

i know i know.. everyone has their own set of expectations and standards. Indeed, they do belong to different worlds and to each his own. Well..u can cont to whine for all i care. i dont actuallie.. i just wanna voice out my random tots and tats all.

i said, im not-too-nice girl today.

2007-03-10T08:25:00.000-08:00

My friend: " So, what do you do when you are lonely?"
Me: "i pray and i worship"

A short conversation betw me and my friend.
Well, i decided to write this because i am chatting with kevin and he's emo.
haaax, and it just so happens i am thinking of some stuffs too.

My sister just went out for supper with her new beau. Yes, her new beau.
Not that i'm envious or anything..(i dont wanna get fat by gorging supper every night)
It just make me recall the times i did the same thing too. But those are in the past.
You can never erase the past and you can never walk back into the past. The only thing you can do is to store it in a corner of your heart and move on in this journey. And you will discover new experiences as you allow God to unfold his written story in front of you.

Exactly.

So, rest and pray and worship.
You are never alone with God.
Thats for me... ")

Random random..

2007-03-09T07:15:00.000-08:00

hello blog. yes, i survived this crazy week. ")
Finally, i get the chance to talk to u. Oh boy, i miss u.

but now that i got the time to blog, i can't think of anything to write.
Alrightie.. i shall just share with u about a verse the Lord gave.

Genesis 14:23 - "that i will accept nothing belonging to you, not even a thread or the thong of a sandal, so that you will never be able to say," I made Abram rich."

This is part of a speech made by Abram after he gave King of Sodom a tenth of everything that was recovered from the war and the latter offered him the goods.

This verse was accompanied by another verse, "my boast shall be in the Lord"

i don't understand why this verse was given to me.. though it does serve as a reminder that indeed, my boast shall be in the Lord and not myself. But one particular thing that struck me is how Abram never compromise. He refused to take a thread, or even something as insignificant as the thong of a sandal. That amazes me. i guess, sometimes we tend to compromise on certain things or values or beliefs, thinking "hey, it's alright since it's such a minor thing". But seeing how Abram stood firm on his ground, never compromising simply reminds me of wat hansel said once. "Don't compromise". That stuck on me.

Well..i guess im still waiting for the Lord to reveal more..till then, that's all.

anyone keen to go for hillsong conference??

His Presence

2007-03-07T07:33:00.000-08:00

*Retreating into His Presence to be loved shall be your greatest advance*

2007-02-22T07:37:00.000-08:00

Chinese new year had been fun. Meeting up with my cousins from my dad's side...

Driving around Singapore to go visit everyone's house had been tedious but nevertheless fun.

This is what my Ah kors had been doing in everyone's house.

MAHJONG!

The one on the bottom right is my lawyer cousin. He's smart and nice.

I feel so happy that he's getting married this coming june!! YAY!

Another wedding to attend.. i can't wait. ")

The ones below are my lovely cousins. In fact, there are MORE.

They wasnt around that day this photo was taken.

My fav cousin is the one with the balloon head.

Call me biased..i just love her to bits.

Sisters for life..and i mean it. She's my flesh and blood sister.

Reunion dinner. The first one i had with my maternal family in my 23 years on earth.

Even though i enjoy work alot, i do miss school..

and friends

will post up more pics of Vday soonx!. ")

Happy Chinese New year to all.

2007-02-06T04:19:00.000-08:00

When The Tears Fall
By Tim Hughes

I will praise You I will praise You,
When the tears fall still I will sing to You
I will praise You
Jesus praise You,
Through the suff'ring still I will sing

When hope is lost I'll call You Savior,
When pain surrounds I'll call You healer
When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

(Verse 1)
I've had questions without answers,
I've known sorrow I have known pain
But there's one thing
that I'll cling to, You are faithful
Jesus You're true

When hope is lost I'll call You Savior,
When pain surrounds I'll call You healer
When silence falls You'll be the song,
Within my heart

(Verse 2)
In the lone hour of my sorrow,
Through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me and sustain me,
My defender forevermore

When hope is lost I'll call You Savior,
When pain surrounds I'll call You healer
When silence falls You'll be the song
Within my heart

Have you ever sung this song in Church?

"He has driven me away and made me walk in darkness rather than light; in deed he has turned his hand against me again and again all day long...He has broken my teeth with gravel; he has trampled me in the dust." (Lamentations 3:2-3; 16)

Or what about this one?

"How long. O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?" Psalm 13:1-2

I'm guessing that you probably haven't. Most of the churches that I've been to sing the songs of celebration, joy, praise and adoration - which is wonderful, but seem to miss the songs of lament. It's deemed as inappropriate and melancholic. However a quick glance through the Psalms and many other books in the bible reveal so many songs of pain and lament. Cries of despair and suffering continually offered up to God. This begs the question, have we lost the place for worship and lament in the Church?

'When the tears fall,' was written at a time when life for me was hard. I'd taken a few knocks and suddenly my heart was filled with questions and doubt. One evening, feeling very low, I sat down and starting pouring out my heart to God. The first line I sang out was, "I've had questions without answers. I've known sorrow I have known pain." Immediately I looked for a response. How do you follow a line like that? Well the answer is, look to Jesus. Everyone on this earth experiences pain, suffering, bereavement, and illness. The only difference is that for those who believe that Jesus is Lord we have a Savior that we can turn and cling to.

"But there's one thing that I'll cling to. You are faithful Jesus You're true."

If we return to the songs above we see that they don't end there. In Lamentation the bitter cry ends with lines of hope and trust:

"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

In the Psalms the feeling of abandonment and sorrow is responded to by singing:

"But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me." Psalm 13:5-6

It's easy to praise when everything is going to plan. It's more of a challenge when everything around us is falling to pieces. It takes great faith to say when life is incredibly hard - "You are good." But this is the deal. God is good and is forever worthy of our praise. It's not dependent on our feelings. Day and night, always the same, God deserves our highest praise.

I think we'll find great comfort and healing in the church by allowing space to respond in this way. To be honest and real about how we really feel. To allow questions and doubts to rise, but in that place to respond to God by worshipping His holy name.

"I will praise You. I will praise You.
When the tears fall still I will sing to You.
I will praise You. Jesus praise You.
Through the suffering still I will sing."

i'm always reminded of u..
when the tears fall..

Life is precious..cherish

2007-02-02T03:26:00.000-08:00

Life is so fragile..

i just lost a secondary school classmate.
Cherish the time you have on this earth..
Love the people around and spend time with them..
Most importantly..
Love the person who gave you the life and love the life given unto you.

to all who are reading..
i do love you!

2007-02-01T07:05:00.000-08:00

i don't understand...
i don't have a date on valentine's day!

i'm pretty!
i'm single!
i'm available!
i'm willing to learn!
i'm willing to teach!

You need not know all these.

Just this:I'm a beloved child of God, and His face shines upon me whenever and wherever I go!

So how?Who wants to date me?

-adapted from Joshie Heng-

A cut

2007-01-29T05:49:00.000-08:00

Do you know it hurts when you cut yourself?
There will be pain,
there will be blood
and there will be tears.

Then you wash the cut under running water
to numb the pain
to stop the blood

And it will stop eventually.

As the wound is still raw, you will take care of it
and be very careful not to brush against anything.
Otherwise, it would hurt again.
Slowly, but surely.. the pain goes away.
The consciousness slips away.
The scab forms..
it protects the wound.
Does it mean the wound's not there anymore?
No.
It just means you're not totally aware of it.

But when someone comes along one fine day
And scratch the protective covering away
You will remember
the wound is still there
And it would still hurt,
though not as much.

Now imagine if it does not happen once..
before the exposed wound heals totally again,
someone scratch it once more
and once more
and once more

Ouch.
it hurts.
it does.

so, what do u do?
Bring it to the running tap again
and wash in the running waters.

Unfailing love

2007-01-27T18:52:00.000-08:00

You have my heart

And I am Yours forever

You are my strength

God of grace and power

And everything You hold in Your hand

Still You make time for me

I canâ€™t understand

Praise You God of Earth and sky

How beautiful is Your unfailing love

Unfailing love

And You never change God

You remain The Holy One

My unfailing love

Unfailing love

You are my rock

The one I hold on to

You are my song

And I sing for You

- Chris Tomlin -

2007-01-26T02:02:00.000-08:00

How do you feel when everyone treat u as an "outcast"?
How would you react if everyone remembers everyone's birthday except for yours?

.... Just some questions i was pondering about recently...

I have never been so lost. So so lost in the wonder of His glorious love. Was asking God for a word yesterday and He just prompted me to read Eph 3:17-19. So, i read.

It's the prayer for the Ephesians by Paul. "So that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And i pray that you being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fulness of God."

A simple statement that reveals much.

How many of us know God loves us?
Many would raise up hands to this question.

How many of us know how much God loves us?

This love, that surpasses knowledge.. is inconceivable? His love cannot be translated into plain words nor can it be something you can study. It goes beyond mere knowing and hearing.

Does that means we will never fathom his love?

Paul said, "being rooted and established in love". God defines love. God is love. Christ is God and Christ is love. We being rooted and established in love means we who are rooted and established in Christ. We who are in Christ.. are entitled to this mystery of His love.

Oh, not really.. We need to have power too. If not, we wont be "there" to know and understand this love. Vs 16: ..he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in my inner being.
Accompanied with the power GIVEN by the Lord through his Spirit which resides in me, He will reveal the depth, length, width and height of His amazing love to me. And He did. ")

i am loved,
just because He said so.

2007-01-23T08:02:00.000-08:00

i just like this photo!! it's like super nice.xxx. *loves loves*

God is love and love is God.
Love is patient.
Love is kind.
Love does not envy.
Love is in the air!
These few days had been filled with loveeeee.
Hahahax.. Had been doing research for a love and relationship workshop and it’s really interesting. My sup asked me to do a book review on “Ten commandments of dating.” Well, will upload when it’s completed but pls don’t stone me for that. “)
I spent yesterday night talking about relationships with friend from OSIM. She broke up with her boyfriend for sometime but she’s still undergoing the healing process. In the midst of our conversation, I see how God’s hand had been at work in my own healing process. Words simply cannot describe the gratitude I have for His presence in my life. Thank You my Lover!

I took a survey regarding the 5 love languages. My primary love language is Quality Time. It means ..i feel loved most when my partner
spends time with me
focuses his/her full attention on me
does things that I want to do
doing things together
wants to take me to lunch
sits and listens to me
learns to do an activity I enjoy
maintains eye contact with me
shares meaningful events in his/her life with me

My secondary love language is physical touch, followed by receiving gifts. Words of affirmation and acts of service are in the rear. Actually I think the survey’s not that accurate. But it’s still fun nevertheless.

This year would be a year of deepening love between Lover and Beloved.

Oh something exciting happened during lunch today. My colleagues and me were on our way back after lunch and we came across an injured bird. Being the kind hearted soul she is, she begin a “rescue operation”. Fearing the bird might be stepped upon by pedestrians; she picked up the bird and gingerly brought it to the grass. But, the bird tried to act smart. Hahahx..it limped around and fell into the drain. Gullible as we were in thinking the birdie would be safe from trampling feet, we left. Rain came. My compassionate colleague braved the rain to check if the bird can survive the “flood” in the drain. I was super impressed by her and her kindness! Indeed, not many would do that. For a bird.

Nights.

Lumine

2007-01-20T08:47:00.000-08:00

Those were the days when Choon Hong, the"hired help", was in charge of the "sheep", the days when the kids still play para para, hold birthday parties and poke fun at each other. Not that much have changed. In fact they are pretty much the same, in terms of their mentality and perhaps spiritual lives. But then again, who am i to judge their growth?

It's been a long journey with them. There were many dark periods of disappointments, discouragements and perhaps self reproach and doubts. Even though kevin took the cell for s short period, he too, experienced the same emotions as me. (Right?) Feelings of disappointments and discouragement came about when i don't see the results of my effort. Deep down within, i truly despair when i know the reality of God is far from a reality in their lives. Many a time, i questioned myself to find out what exactly went wrong. Is it my fault that i'm not feeding His sheep the way i ought to? Am i not leading enough? Am i not caring enough? Why are they just not listening or even learning about God?

In this 3 years, we have new members and alot more guitarists for worship. Check out all the talented guitarists. But one nagging question has never depart from me, "what does worship truly means to these sheep?" Playing good music? Singing nice worship songs?

Today's sermon talks about shining like stars in this fallen world. Our cell's full of stars. haax. Perhaps stars of a different calibre but nevertheless stars.

Anyway, i've come to terms with all these questions and struggles. It was never and ought to never be my way, my hopes and my effort. Who else but the true shepherd can fathom the very thoughts in the hearts and minds of His sheep. Who else other than the One can pave the way for His sheep to the deepest of His heart? Who else but the Messiah can enlighten the eyes of their hearts to reveal a deeper relevation of His grace and love? Who else besides the good Shepherd can call their names one by one and lead them by His voice?

Glenn once asked me this question," What legency of faith would you leave behind for those under you?". My only answer to that is, "i have yet to think about what i want to leave behind. The other thing i know is to rest in the Lord and ask of Him to fill my life until it overflows unto others. - You take care of the depth of your life, God takes care of the breadth of His ministry-"

My desire is just to be drawn deeper and deeper into the deepest of His heart. I've found the One my heart loves most and desires most and I'm clinging unto Him because i know, He's not letting me go. And that would be my desire and prayer for His sheep too.

Deeper

Light to men
Love of God
Healing for the wounded heart
Like a child quiet my soul
Hear Your voice surround me
LordJesus, hold me into Your heart
Into Your heartLord
my soul delights
And I know You hear my prayer
Take me deeper Lord
Glorious Son to You
I shall bowBow my knee,
bow my will
Cherished by the strong and the weak
Humble hearts shall hear You speak
And by Your love Lord
You opened my heart
Now Your light will shine always
By Your Word Lord
Your promise secure
And my soul will live always
Take me deeper Lord

2007-01-08T19:30:00.000-08:00

Your grace still amazes me

My faithful Father,

enduring Friend

Your tender mercy's like a river

with no end

It overwhelms me,

covers my sin

Each time I come into Your presence

I stand in wonder once again

Your grace still amazes me

Your love is still a mystery

Each day I fall on my knees

Your grace still amazes me '

Cause Your grace still amazes me

Oh, patient Saviour,

You make me whole

You are the Author and the Healer

of my soul

What can I give You,

Lord, what can I say

I know there's no way to repay You

Only to offer You my praise

It's deeper,

it's wider

It's stronger,

it's higher

Than anything my eyes can see

"He was delivered over to death for our sins and was raised to life for our justification."

pri sch friends gathering

2006-12-29T09:10:00.000-08:00

You are NOT seeing double! haax..find them familiar??

My childhood friends since hmm..i was like 7??

They used to be fat! well, they still are but they also grow taller!

my ideal boyfriend height even though not my ideal boyfriends.

Jiaxi sending me home on his bike. i forgot to take pic of his bike.

I must say this, "IT"S SO FUN RIDING OR RATHER SITTING ON A BIKE!"

Feeling sianx now. Had typed alot about my primary sch gathering and of coz my virgin bike ride home but the internet connection got something wrong!!! so, will upload the photos when my friend uploads.

reflections

2006-12-26T02:53:00.000-08:00

As the year draws nearer and nearer to the end, i'm reminded of how many changes i've been through and how many lessons i learnt.

Graduation to a young working adult
It was a difficult transition from studying to working life. All of a sudden, there are so many alluring temptations in my life that comes with independent financial ability and freedom. I mean, who can really resist the invitation to indulge in these pleasures when you have been issued the licence to do so? Turning away instead of to God had been a dumb mistake..but evidently, it is also the easier choice to make. Afterall, i do know what God will say to me about clubbing, enjoying and living the life i want. But all these had ceased when realisation that these had been all but temporal pleasures fell upon me. I praise God for supportive friends who had prayed for me, shared with me and allowed me to venture and finally returned to His embrace. I thank God for his not letting me go and continual revealing of Himself to me. Most importantly, this journey i took had given me a glimpse of how incomplete i am without His love and presence. I'm extremely thankful it took me a few months time to figure it out and not years. Otherwise, i would have wasted much time on earth.

Adjusting to single life
Having been attached for close to 3 years had taught me much about loving and being loved by someone else exclusively. The past years had been good, filled with numerous sweet memories as well as sad ones. I flipped through the albums and am emotionally charged as i'm reminded of basically everything. It's heartbreaking and saddening. Well, i simply cannot find words to describe but it feels like somehow i'v given a part of myself away which i can never possibly take back. But as i closed the album, relief and peace just came. Memories are meant to be kept and i will keep them well in the deepest of my heart. One does not carry the past and walk in the present. My Lord has been faithful and good even as i walked through this one month of grieving. Someone said, i'm strong and that's good. The many nights spent crying, thinking of roys and feeling lonely had been accompanied with God's comfort and assurance. "Healing comes when we stopped running." i'm eternally thankful that somehow, God knows i needed a period of time to grieve. The time i spent waiting for my 2nd interview had been,in turn, used on facing up to reality and coming to terms with my feelings. I've never been so real to God, bared all my emotions and thoughts and brought all my tears unto His throne. Gracious is He, wonderful is He. He just picked me up from where i was and brought me into the refugee of His shadow. Now, i can confidently and boldly say, i'm walking out of the shadow of this transition. And e best part? Just one day after i told God i'm ready after the storm, the agency called me for the interview. Isn't it amazing how God's timing is so perfect?

Somehow, this break up has allowed me to see myself more clearly, to know what i'm in need of and what i expect of my life partner. Now to think about it, i'm just so ill-prepared for a relationship. The many baggages that i brought into the relationship has brought much hurt and grief in our lives. Issues in my life have to be deal with and hurts have to be healed by God's hand to bring forth completion and wholeness. I'm also learning more about my name Charissa Ruth and for the upcoming year, it's also my prayer to be molded into a proverbs 31 woman, to have a desire to fear the Lord as well as a yearning to love the Lord more each day. Ruth's the only female bible character that has been described in proverbs 31 and that's my desire to be more like her. It's definitely not easy since ones' heart is not ruled by the mind. But i'm learning and still continually learning the importance of not seeking another human to satisfy the desire for companionship but finding total security and completion in the Lord. So, this year would be a time of preparation and seeking the Lord.

Faith
Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you not see. What if..? What if..? i think it's time to discard all the "what if"s in my life. It's time to discern and listen to the voice of truth. It's time for deepening of faith for God. Just a testimony to share. My job itself is a miracle. i applied for fei yue after i finished my term in OSIM and it's definitely not a coincidence they are hiring people for the youth branch. For one, the applicants are normally taken to work in fsc setting first before going to specialised fields. But they are hiring! talk about perfect timing. Secondly, today i got lost and went half an hour late for the interview. But God, being the merciful God displayed his faithfulness once again. The directors are empathetic and we had the interview in which i was asked about the department i desire to work in. Though it lasted for 10 mins only, but its great. I would have been snubbed in other occupations i think.

Anw, after typing for so long..i'm tired. Shall cont soon.

2006-12-17T07:51:00.000-08:00

The closer one is to God, the more aware one becomes of their sinful nature and ugly self.
Isnt it so so true? i would think it to be so. I'm becoming more and more aware of the superifical self i am. Where exactly is the depth of my life? Where exactly am i? What am i living for?

It's so easy and tempting to slip into the world, lusting after the very things the world held in high esteem. It's so easy to wallop in my own world, sinking into sadness and weariness about the circumstances i've no control over. It's super easy to want to walk away from the narrow path and join in the crowd for power and material wealth.

The cost of being a disciple is high. Truely.. but it cannot outweigh that of not being a disciple.
To live out this life of a disciple is never easy..when one tries to do it by self-effort. i really like the word from God that pastor joshua shared, "For so many years you've been trying to live your life for Me, but for so many years, i've been trying to live my life through you."The secret to living this life is beholding unto Jesus and His glory. Here's 3 principles i've learnt.

1. Come to Jesus
2. Come to Jesus
3. Come to Jesus

Fixing my gaze on Jesus might sound seemingly easy, bt in actual fact, its super hard. What's so tempting about the world? Honestly.. i ditto. But there are times when my eyes wavered from Him unto other things. hmm..God knows. ") And i'm convinced that there will bound to be times in the future when my gaze will shift too. But i know, am convicted and fully assured that nobody could ever complete me except the author of my faith, my life and my story. I'll go yes..i'll go Lord.

This is a song i've heard by Fernando Ortega. The lyrics are simple but it speaks volumes.

The title's Give me Jesus.

In the morning, when i rise

Give me Jesus

You can have all this world

But give me Jesus

When I am alone

Give me Jesus

When I come to die

Give me Jesus

How much it means to sing unto the Lord in the wee hours, in the stillness before the day slips away to say I love You to my lover. How much it means to sing unto the Lord, before the world rushes in, to say He's above all else. How often do i slip into rushing in doing my stuff, waking up late just in time for work(when im working).

Isnt it easy being Mr Holy Potato when everyone's looking? Wouldn't it be easier to pray fanciful prayers in a prayer meeting? But what happens when one's alone? Is Jesus sufficient to satisfy? Is Jesus sufficient for me? Is He more than enough for me to say, i can forsake the world.. Just to have Him? To die to self is to gain in Christ. Is He worthy enough for me to cast my gaze from me myself n I to Him always?

2006-12-07T08:58:00.000-08:00

Simplicity's the key.

How did Jesus draw men to Him?

Through parties?

Through creative blogs?

Through exciting drama rama skits?

Through emotions-provoking songs?

Through rara camps?

Through intelligent discussions about himself?

Through pretty dance moves?

What's so special about my God that cause me to be drawn to Him?

hmm..

His faithfulness - i'm still amazed.

His persistence - Never have i met such a persistent lover.

His Glory - i melt at the sight of beauty of nature (His creation, with the exception of cockroaches)

His love - lavished so generously. There's always something new to fall in love with him again. ")

His presence - ever there. Thanks Lord

His Word - The way to hear your voice. The sword.

His spirit - For new relevations. i want more.

His servants - Thanks for the "holy" company. loves.

Hmm.. so, is it just me or what? Is there really a need for such emphasis on the things listed above? Anw, before the day slips away..i want to tell those who are reading, i love you. You're reading this because..you're someone special in my life and i want you to know that you're loved deeply by me and my God. Thanks for being that blessing God has placed in my life.").

Be simple, be content. in Him.

love never fails

2006-12-06T07:35:00.000-08:00

Had a talk with Daniel sometime back and i'm surprised to learn because of my "failed" relationship with Roys, his perception of relationship has been affected. Well, he told me that he had faith in my relationship with Roys that it would be one that would ultimately end off with "happily ever after" but it seemed to turn out otherwise. I guess it kinda cause him to lose hope in possibility of lasting relationships. Well, to cut the long story short, i told him a summary of what i've learnt and what are the reasons and i guess he got the point. Anw, thats not what i wanna say.

Met up with Roys today. Actually, beneath my very cool exterior yesterday, i was a bundle of ..nerves?. I guess..i was kinda dreading it but also curious to know what he has to say. I have to admit, i'm curious because he sounded like he 've got something really important to tell me before the meeting and when i probed..he refused to say anything. As for the dread, it's self explanatory. Who wouldn't be? After all, we just broke up and sighs, it's really not easy coming face to face with your ex. Mabbe he would just pop some statement like.."i've got a new gf". Then, should i be crying or laughing? These are some silly thoughts that i had. God's been faithful and great through it all. He ministered through a song.. I am Yours by Misty Edwards. It's a nice song.. and i'm deeply assured of His presence. Thanks Papa..you're the greatest.

Oh, today went pretty smoothly. Except for the fact he's late, anyone would have tot that it's just 2 friends meetin up for lunch. We talked..normally about ministries, about our lives and we din avoid the topic of our break up. On the contrary, we faced with a normacy. The only time i felt a tinge of sadness was when he ordered food for me. He would predict wat i wan for lunch. He knows i wanted the lemon tea even when i din say anything. Even now, at this moment, i'm still marvelling at the extent of what he knows of me. It brought back some memories that tugged at my heartstrings. But, it's alright. i know this is part of the healing journey. I still don't regret my decision and im committing to it. i believe God will bring me through it. Amen!

Had a chat with my ex dgl from campus crusade and she was great. Thanks girl for being such a supportive friend. I praise God for his faithful servants who helped ease the hurts, fears and confusion.

Cont to blog soon. Tired!

2006-11-27T07:45:00.000-08:00

Jesus i come,
i want to meet with You
Holy Spirit fall on me
anew

i sit at the cross,
That crimson wood tied as one
where my guilt stains
For me, You gave

Your love falls as the morning dew.
Sweep me away till i am lost in You.
Jesus, my heart it longs for You.
Your love reaches out
You hold me close
when i need You close
i live to worship You

You see all my sins
Nailed to the cross
And grace and healing flows to me
You gave

You gave abundantly, exceedingly and freely. Once again, i'm reminded of how shallow i am. Lord, pls enlarge my vision to beyond myself.

"All for love, a savior prayed
Abba Father, Have Your way
Though they might know not what they do
let the cross draw men to You"

A simple reason, a great sacrifice. You chose to lay your life down just for a love for all the wretched beings. i'm simply speechless and awestruck as i listened to the worship song. This particular verse kept playing over and over in my mind. All for love, all for love, all for love.
Nothing great about that, isn't it? People strive for power, glory and riches. All over the world, many dream, work and craved for such. Yet with all stupidity, You chose to die for a reason as simple as love. How could i ever comprehend the width, depth and height of such love. No, never would i be able to attain that level. Never would i be able to qualify for that position. So Lord, i'm humbled to know i'm just a recipient of such love. But i don wanna be a passive recipient Lord. Your love falls upon me like the morning dew, and i pray for it to sweep me until i'm lost in it. That my sight would be on You and You alone. Lord, i want to hear You and to distinguish Your voice that i might follow the voice of my Shepherd and not that of a stranger. Lord, lead me to see beyond myself and my circle, to see what You see, to feel what You feel and to march on the road You pave.

2006-11-26T06:31:00.000-08:00

i know what i'm doing. i've been trying to pack my days with activities; appointments, movies, lunch and dinner with friends, cell and exercise just so that i dun have to think so much, just so that i wont have excess time n energy to ponder n to nurse the pain n hurts.

it's painful. More painful than what i imagine. I thought that i'm strong, but i'm wrong, Lord. You alone know the tears i brought forth before you. I thought i can carry on, but i'm wrong, Lord. I can't. Not without You. Lord, pls pls pls cont to be the keeper of my heart, the shepherd of my heart, soul and mind. Emmanuel, Jesus Christ i know you never let me go. I know You are my Shepherd King and You are watching over me. Lord, i need you i need you.

It hurts to think back about those good old days when there were joy, fun and laughter and to know there will never be such days again with him. It hurts to know he's hurting. It hurts to see him around and feel so lonely. it hurts even more when i have to wear a smile to mask the sadness. it hurts so badly when i know my friends dun understand. it hurts to feel lonely walking back home from the mrt, taking the same path remembering that he once walked you home using the same route. Lord, i never regret my decision. I know, its a decision to be made..and we did it. i'm sorry Lord, for inflicting hurt unto Your beloved child. I'm sorry Lord, to make him undergo such pain. I'm sorry.

At the cross, i bow my knee before You to lay down all these before You. No one, no one would be able to know and fully comprehend the things of my heart. i know and i pray , if you willing, then send someone to listen to talk but i'm contented with You. You're more than sufficient. You tore the veil and i know You will make a way. You will be my comfort just as you 've been. That's all i can do, to run to You Lord and ask of you to nurse my bleeding heart and close up the wounds. I thank You for the free time i have now, even though i do kinda drag the loneliness and free time, i know.. i 've to face up to reality and allow you to heal. i'm not going to run away. i'm not going to pretend to be strong..becoz im realie not. i'm just me, in front of you. Waiting for your healing touch, waiting for your kiss of love and waiting for Your leading n guiding. Lord, i want to indeed, be wholly dependent on You and You alone. Pls guard my heart in this time, and keep my mind, heart and soul pure. Lord, i come to You,heartbroken and tattered with nothing much to offer..but myself and my life. Make me whole again and just take me into a deeper level with You. i just want to be more immensed in Your Word, Your love and Spirit. Just You and Me. Just You and Me.

lack of courage

2006-11-07T09:31:00.000-08:00

Daniel and me went for retreat at East Coast this morning. It was a cool breezy morning and as we worshipped, i felt a sense of peace and joy. Was reminded of how majestic His creation is. Simply breathtaking. We each had our own quiet moments with God and i used this time to settle some issues in my heart with him. There were no direct answers, no Yes, no No. A simple "follow your heart" makes my heart flutter. If i were to be brutally honest with myself, i would know that i've already made a decision. But each time my mind decides to carry out the decision, i would sink back into my comfortable position. i'm scared, worried and angry at my self for the lack of courage and confidence. But i feel really bad. I duno how to face it. The changes, the differences in our lives and the idea of journeying alone is abit taunting. Let's face it. you're just a wimp. i tink i'm too. let me think longer. sighs. again.

greenish with a tinge of light

2006-10-30T08:08:00.000-08:00

ditto why the sudden bout of depression that came washing over me?

it was a happy day, slogging and sweating as i attempted to clear up my room. i'm proud of my accomplishment even though it seemed to look abit messier. Still, it's an effort made.
Now, i'm just self reflecting on several things or rather pple that holds important places in my heart. My heart just feels so heavy, thinking of them.

Michelle Lee Siong Kit, my bestest friend since donkey years. We grew up together, went through thick and thin for the past 10 years. Developed from alien looking giggly girls to pretty young adults. How true is the phrase "change is the only constant". Now, as i looked back upon the good'old days, the 10 years seemed to have whizzed past so quickly. You've really changed much during the past year, so much that it sometimes it hurts me. I've nv expected you to be a perfect being, becoz you were nv one. But it was your genuity and imperfections that brought out Christ's grace. Yet, it saddens me much to see how much you turned from His ways. i know you are hurting inside and perhaps, doing all these might bring forth temporal comfort and relief. But are you sure you are healed? Time and time again, you promised to do so and time and time again , you revert back to this lifestyle. i'm not condemning you becoz i love u much. But i'm worried becoz you seemed to be getting comfortable with the life you are leading now. Do you even realise? And if i were to feel sad, i wonder how much sadder would God be. Hans said i shud persist on in prayer for you.. i'll do that becoz thats basically all i can do. i believe you'll set the decision one day. That day would come. i believe.

For you, the dear one in my heart. What would be coming our way? So many many breakups recently. Would that be imminent for us too? Somehow, i feel that you knew it in your gut too. Are we both waiting for the right moment to voice up? Are we just procastining to prevent the heartpain and sadness? Do you also sense the mundaness and bo-charness of our r/s now? Or have you chose to ignore the obvious?

I think, honestly, soemtimes im just running away from reality. Does the love that binds us amd engulfs us still linger? Hard questions.. no answers. What am i do? Am i falling in love with some other? If not, why does your importance seemed to diminish with days? sighs. *confused*

God, pls.. just let me rest in your presence. This song brought tears to my eyes as i typed. Appropriate timing. Lord, hear our prayer. As i call upon your name, wont you come and rescue me. Thats all i need. Lord, im crying out to you for comfort, for rest, for strength and for your breadth of life. Teach me to go beyond myself, to see the needs of others and not just be self-consumed. you are all i need , Lord. You..
alone i love.
i need you.. i need you lord.

New coat of paint in my life

2006-09-29T08:10:00.000-07:00

Yellow

hmm..what's so interesting abt my life today?
I'm excited about my new life. The old is gone and the new has come. it's a promise betw You and me and i'm terribly excited by it. I know as i made my decision, it's gota be a hard and tough one but somehow, the joy i felt deep in the wells of my heart overwhelms every other thing. For some, it might be the most natural thing to do since it's simply common. For me, it's a tough call. No doubt it's going to cost me alot and more but since i already committed myself and my life unto You, where else can i run to or what more can i do?

it's like saying I DO but without any fears nor doubts because i know, far beyond what my future spouse can do, You alone suffice. Okie, mabbe, not w/o any fears nor doubts. i do admit that even as i walked around the walls of Jericho , claiming the promise of it falling at the end of 7 days, the anxiety and questions would crept in. But Lord, lemme stick around you. Becoz at the end of the day, i ask of you to strengthen me to fight the creepy ill feelings not of you.

Walk on, Charissa Ruth. Oh.. a reminder that my name is very nice. it means Grace upon the woman of God. i don't believe it. Only you can give me such a beautiful name
love you my lover boy.